Praetorian Guard redux

"Are you aware that Richard Nixon perpetrated one of the most embarrassing episodes in the history of the presidency?" asked Diogenes out of the blue last night. 

Giving him my best have-you-become-senile boggle, I said, "Um--let me guess; Watergate?" When he fixed me with one of his oh-you-poor-ignoramus looks I sat back, prepared to listen and learn.

"In 1970 during a visit to West Germany, Nixon so admired the uniforms of the honor guard he saw there he decided to have a similar ceremonial outfit designed for the White House police--you know, the uniformed Secret Service guys who regularly let intruders jump the fence. He hired a fancy designer who came up with a double-breasted jacket festooned with fourragere and topped by a leather shako. That Graustarkian ensemble was so hideous the agents were mortified to be seen in it. It was soon retired and the whole kaboodle was, I think, donated to a high-school band in Iowa.

"I was reminded of that pathetic episode while considering the Praetorian Guard." 

I think I've said that Dio's leaps of logic frequently baffle me, but I could actually see where this one was going. The Praetorian Guard were an elite body of Roman legionaries with the mission of protecting and defending the emperor--the imperial secret service, so to speak. Of course that's an oversimplification; Google it for the full story.

As with many things Roman, the character of the guard changed over time, from committed and effective to corrupt and venal. The guard murdered about a half-dozen emperors, forced a few more overthrows, and late in the empire actually raffled off the imperial throne.

But surely Diogenes wasn't drawing parallels with the United States Secret Service? The men and women who put loyalty to the president above all else? If they can't be trusted to be incorruptible who can be?

"Remember Amsterdam and Cartagena? All that drunkenness and whoring? Just the tip of the iceberg."

Well, OK, but was Dio saying that maybe the Secret Service might take a tip from the Praetorians? The sex scandals alone nearly destroyed the service's credibility. If they turned against the people they're sworn to protect no one in government could feel safe.

"And do you think anyone in government, or in America, feels safe now? An idiot child is at the helm of the ship of state, and it's armed with nuclear weapons. Congress has no will to act, no popular uprising can get the necessary traction, Cabinet officials and staff are cowed and/or in the GP's pocket. Who better than well-trained armed personnel who are close to him all the time to remove him?"

"Remove? As in . . ."

And he zapped me with The Look again.

--Richard Brown