Casus Belli

The Great Pretender needs a war.

He knows this because he had a dream.

In this dream a figure of indeterminate gender wearing a white robe showed him pictures of other white men he vaguely recognized. The figure said they were former U. S. presidents who Americans thought were great because they had won a war. Did he want to be thought great, too? The Dreamer-in-Chief had trouble believing his vision. Had there really been that many wars?

Undeterred by doubt, the apparition went on to say the Faker-in-Chief could have his very own war if he wanted it, but there would be no one left to applaud him if he chose that option.   

Alternatively, he could choose to refight a historical war, appointing his own generals, applying his own strategies, and shaping the outcome any way he wished. This option, however, came with a caveat: The chosen war could be fought only in his dream world. Nothing would change in the real world, either past or present.

Hearing that, the Sleeper-in-Chief nearly awoke. "Buh," he half muttered, "who'll say I' great?" His nocturnal interlocuter assured him that if he wanted all the demons of Hell to rise up and cheer him on, he could do so while dreaming. "Uh," he snortled, "Hi'ler 'n' Stal'n too?"

"Just so," affirmed the vision. "Your choice?"

The Civil War of course; the only all-American war.

• He wouldn't have to deal with foreigners;
• He would set things right with the CSA (they'd let him build his wall, by God!);
• He could own slaves who would always call him "Massa;"
• He could talk to everybody because both sides spoke English;
• He could be both Abraham Lincoln and Jefferson Davis, conflating them into his heroic personality;
• He could rewrite history, claiming the Yankees invaded the South to steal all the slaves and relocate them to Canada;
• Better yet, he could claim there were never any slaves. The Yankees invaded because they were jealous of the Southern aristocratic lifestyle; 
• No. Negroes were happy servants, singing, dancing, and eating watermelon when off duty;
• He could finally have the America he so desperately wants: 100% Americans, 100% white, 100% native English speakers, 100% Protestant, 100% adoring him;
• He could be President for Life, like his mentor Vlad.

Donald Abraham John Jefferson Trump awoke refreshed and inspired. Picking up his private cell phone he made a few calls, then went to the sitting room where he relaxed, sometimes humming "Dixie" to himself.

After about an hour he was informed he had a delivery being sent up. He received it from the agent on duty, locked the door, and carried it into the bedroom. Changing into his best pajamas, he sat on the bed and opened the box from Sunovion Pharmaceuticals, pulling out a month's supply of his favorite sleep aid.

He set the box on the bedside table, swallowed three Lunesta tablets, lay back, carefully cradling his favorite stuffed animal with his left arm, and closed his eyes, smiling.


--- Diogenes, 7/23/2020